He is my All in All. {Toni Lorenz}

On Friday, January 29, 2016, I was preparing to leave to serve at a women's ministry event where we were expecting over 500 women to attend. My husband, Chris, was to drive one of the buses that would transport the women. Late morning I heard sirens go past my house, and then more sirens, and then more and more. I stopped, as I often did, to pray for all those involved, both as victims and as responders. I also began to get uneasy, as I knew Chris would be traveling that highway home anytime. 

I attempted to call him several times over the 30 minutes or so, only to have the calls go to voicemail. I told myself to quit worrying, that he was occupied at our farm. The uneasiness persisted, and I prayed for God to give me peace and calm, and to do away with 'unjustified worry." I remember thinking, if something truly had happened to him, a highway patrol car would be sent to my house.

I continued with preparations for the weekend, interspersed with frequent pacing to the window to look out. And during one of those looks, my fears were realized as two highway patrol cars and a pickup slowed to make the turn into my driveway.
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I was to learn in the next few minutes that my 51 yr old husband of 33 years had died of a supposed massive heart attack while driving, which caused a single-vehicle accident just out of sight of our home on the highway.

Chris and I were both involved in various aspects of church life at First Baptist and had also been involved in another ministry together for the previous three years. At his visitation, there were an estimated 1200 people who attended standing in line for hours to pay respects. 

At the funeral the next day, both the main level and balcony were full. I was surrounded and enveloped in prayer, messages, and many kinds of support for the first couple of weeks. As the days passed, however, people returned to their lives, as we're all prone to do. There was a small handful of people, however, who stepped in and showed me love through those first weeks and months, and even through to today.

God was so real and close to me through all of this. For the previous 3-4 years, He had been working in our individual lives, and our marriage, to love and serve and worship the Lord in a way we never had. I was personally and spiritually in a place I had never been before, which enabled me to lean fully on God during those dark days. 

When faced with tragedy and loss and grief and darkness, you really only have two choices; you can blame God and others and live a life of bitterness and sorrow, or you can lean fully into the knowledge that our God is so much more than we can ever fathom and has a plan that is better than the darkness that our human nature feels.

I can look back and see how God placed people in my life to serve particular roles. One of the first highway patrol on the scene was our friend Christina, who was a fellow church member. She immediately contacted Durwin Kicker, our pastor, and dear friend who served as a chaplain with the highway patrol. So that heartbreaking news was gently delivered at my door by two friends who hugged me and cried with me even while serving in an official capacity.

I had two friends who dropped everything to drive 30 minutes to personally deliver the news to my daughter at work and then drove her to pick up her 3-month-old baby and bring her to my house. I worried that my son was 3 hours away at school and would hear the news through social media or text. But God had already placed a family member to live 20 minutes from him, a friend from high school and church to be going to the same school as him, and his former youth pastor at a church 20 minutes away. These three coordinated to meet and help him through packing, and then brought home by our family member.

There are many more instances of God providing physically and financially over the coming days, in ways that didn't make sense. There are so many times over the last seven years when I have been overwhelmed and grief-stricken, and I have gotten the sweetest text message or note in the mail, or something left on my front porch, or someone coming up to me in a store or at an event just to hug me. Those are people who felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit and were obedient even when it might not have been convenient for them. But that obedience was the lift I needed at that time to re-focus on God's goodness.

One thing I have never done is blame God for these circumstances. And I remember thinking even in those first few days of overwhelming loss and grief.....even in the face of my human despair, I would never want to wish Chris back from experiencing what was the single most amazing day of His life. I can only look forward to when that day comes for me.

I feel I am in many ways much more patient and understanding of bumps in the road. Going through a tragedy that changes practically every aspect of life as you know it helps you to focus on what is important and what is eternal.

I've been able to know in my very being that while circumstances may be dark, there is always that light of Jesus that brings peace and a purpose if we simply talk with Him and allow Him to surround us.

Our peace comes from knowing that our eternity is secured when we place our belief in God, and are SEEKING Him in all aspects of life. We have to be active in seeking Him through prayer, scripture, fellowship with other believers, and serving in His name. This greatly reduces that feeling of being tossed about in a sea of unwelcome circumstances.

With all that said, he was far from perfect. As am I. As all of us are. I struggle with consistent Bible study and dedicated prayer time. I find myself too busy sometimes to really spend time with people. But God has ways of reminding us of our purpose if we keep our hearts and minds open to hearing from Him.

I don't know why I became a widow at age 51. I don't know why other hard things have happened in my life. However, I am confident that God is not the author of these bad things. And that if we will be open to His guidance, He will use our stories to help others navigate their own unknown and dark pathways. We are living examples that God is still good and faithful and loving, no matter what.

In the busyness of our daily lives, it's easy to lose sight of what truly matters. But in the chaos, there's a comforting truth that we can hold onto: God is our all. He is our everything. He is our refuge, our strength, and our constant companion. Let's take a moment to reflect on this truth and find solace in His word.

Psalm 73:25-26 reminds us, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." These verses beautifully encapsulate the essence of our relationship with God. When we place our trust in Him, He becomes our ultimate source of fulfillment and strength.

It's easy to get caught up in material possessions or temporary successes, but the truth is that everything on this earth is fleeting. Matthew 6:19-21 advises us, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." These verses encourage us to prioritize our spiritual treasures over worldly possessions, reminding us that our true treasure lies in our relationship with God.

In times of trouble, uncertainty, and loss we can find refuge in the arms of our loving Father. Psalm 46:1 declares, "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." No matter the challenges we face, we can turn to Him for comfort and guidance. He is our rock and our safe haven.

But how do we nurture this relationship with God? Through prayer, meditation, and studying His word. James 4:8 tells us, "Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you." Just as any relationship requires effort and time spent together, our relationship with God flourishes when we actively seek Him.

Let's make it a daily practice to remind ourselves that God is our all. He is our source of joy, our comfort in times of distress, and our guide on this journey of life. As we navigate the challenges and joys that come our way, let's lean into our relationship with Him, finding strength and solace in His unwavering love.